March 8, 2013

Leeway Drift

Posted in history, unedited tagged , at 2:25 am by merelyquirky

Since I started this blog several years ago I have felt unidentified eddies in the waters, moving me in directions not of my choosing. I have felt like I had no control in my life. Like there was something I was doing wrong, but that everyone else seemed to understand and navigate with no thought whatsoever.

I’m a planner. I like to know ahead of time who I’ll see, where I’ll be, what I’ll say or do. So that I can print maps, run lines in my head, or cancel my plans if I can’t see how it will all shake out.  The more unmappable my drift, the more cancellations; I have been a hermit for the last year and a half, going nowhere but work and the grocery store. Although I was leaning in this direction, the trigger was a flat tire; some punk at work had let the air out of my tire, and it turned out my car had no jack.

I was not alone, there were lots of people around, I had access to a phone, a tow, or whatever. But I went into panic mode, trying to plan for every new alternate eventuality, but nothing was working right. I borrowed a jack, but the kid insisted on doing it himself. He put placed the jack under a piece of plastic trim not the frame, he didn’t chock the wheels or let me loosen the lug nuts before beginning, ended up with the car rolling backward, jamming the jack in the wheel well, cracking the rocker panel, and thunking my car down heavily on the half-removed wheel rim.

I was in such a panic. I’ve changed flat tires before, but it felt like this kid who was reluctantly ‘helping’ me, was taking away all my control and ruining my life. I was so flooded with anxiety and tension and worry. Over a flat tire.

Somehow I have not managed to get myself back on course since then, though recently I have shed a glimmer of light on the water I’m drifting in, found a scarily plausible explanation.  Unfortunately, writing about my irrational reactions that night are making me both edgy and embarrassed,  I’m going to save this post to complete another time.

Advertisements